Back in the 90's, I used to acquire titles to be someone. Can't be a good sports medicine doc it you don't work with a team, can't be a good family doc if you don't see 30 patients a day, can't be a successful physician without driving a Porsche. Did it all to validate me as being a good doc amongst my colleagues. Patients were praising me but administration said I still was not competitive with how the average doctor in the US bills in a day (MGMA standards). So when I didn't agree with the direction the hospital was going (insurance business model) I left private practice and worked for emergency room/immediate care centers. I didn't have to worry about finding a true cause of suffering, I just treated acute symptoms, gave medicines and told everyone to follow-up with your doctor ("Treat and Street"). Just have to follow acute care "cook books"" and not worry about bonding with humans-(takes too much time). Ha!, but little did I know, when I started to show compassion and listen, my "numbers" went down compared to how many patients were seen per hour by other docs. Then when I followed orders and moved through charts like a Jewel Grocery cashier scanning cans, then patients complained they felt rushed. I just can't win in this insurance reimbursed model. I had to figure, how do I empower patients to help themselves while at the same time, be profitable as a small business owner. I needed to find an answer and was always taught the answer is in the wisdom of other docs who have the biggest buildings, fastest cars and biggest staff. But.....I found there was a message inside, a knowledge within each cell of me that knew the exact way to problem solve and come up with the correct choice in every decision. My epiphany came when Deepak Chopra came to Chicago and I thought maybe if I heal the inner turmoil between compassion to serve and the hollywood picture of success I can be better at applying my textbook knowledge and problem solve. I listened, learned, met other non-health professionals that were healing (also met some docs that were going through the same thing as me but they seemed very angry.....complaining about the medical system and missing the event of something beautiful morphing during the lectures that allowed for an inner message to be heard.) I began to interpret feelings my heart generated and allowed these to effect my decision-making/problem solving. I didn't recklessly abandon medical protocols but I allowed for feeling comfortable with using "feeling" to help guide patients to better health. Something called me to learn acupuncture, something called me to observe an herbalist using aroma therapy, something called me to give more "free lectures" to the community, something called me to start following Andrew Weil, something called me to start teaching yoga. I would have never done any of this in the eyes of my doctor friends because it would seem "quackery practice" and I can't get reimbursed for it. Fast forward to earlier today, I am supposed to be preparing a lecture for Cancer patients but the new Hospital Wellness Center that just hired me for yoga instruction, still had to have me go through the painful administrative paperwork of credentialing, verification of training, drug testing.....I dont have time for this! In my mind, the question of why am I even teaching yoga? as my first class was filled with 20 people who had no training, and I probably will be paid just enough to take care of gas....I should just stick at filling my office hours and promoting myself using the "usual marketing companies". Well as I was being told I needed another picture ID (I live 25 miles away!) and about to stick it to the manager of HR saying, this paper-chase is sooooo frustrating and worthless and just get some "minimum wage non-MD" to teach it! A lady walked up and excused herself but had to interrupt and say; she attended the meditative yoga class I gave yesterday and in the 10 years of suffering from Fibromyalgia, had an entire day of feeling no pain: she told me it was "transforming and has been telling everyone she can't wait for next week and wanted to see me as a patient". Like a switch, all the anger left, I suddenly was speaking to an HR manager that appeared to look different and this calm was injected into my blood stream. To imagine I was seconds away from allowing self doubt to control my heart/mind, ruin another human's day and probably get on the highway at dangerous speeds taking frustration out on innocent motorists. Although it was reassuring to be validated, I feel more empowered to follow the innate wisdom that was always there but sequestered by the ego. As Deepak's Law of Karma says; My Actions are Aligned with the Universe
